Toilet Soup
by Dragon's Dance
Summary: Purely crackfic, maybe 4-5 OCs... again if you read earlier it said CRACKFIC, I didn't change my mind in the few words I wrote... Kiui OC cannot make up her mind and her bestfriend must help her.
1. Chapter 1

_**Twists and Turns of Life**_

_**By Dragon's Dance**_

_**Yeah… honestly I couldn't come up with a better title. This is a HUMOR fanfic… sort of a crack-fic, but I hope it's funny! My FF friend dr53 helped me with this idea, we thought it was funny, soooo she gets to be married to Itachi and I get to be married to Gaara! MY PANDA-CHAN! **_

PS…. In this story… Sasuke doesn't kill Itachi ( I WAS CRYING) so yeah. I'm not sure when it should take and Naruto somehow brings Sasuke back to the village… ends up leaving anyways and everyone is older obviously

PSS…. Kiui in like 25ish, dirty blonde hair, average height, blah blah blah…. Also she's a ninja

* * *

><p>Kiui was walking around Konoha daydreaming about her past life and her present life, even as a ninja she got lost in her own fantasies. She thought about her best friend Kaminari and how she hadn't seen Kaminari in a while because she had moved to Suna for her love, Gaara. Kiui knew that Kaminari just packed and left one night, and she hoped Kaminari would return for a visit, but she thought about her husband, Itachi. Kiui sighed in content about her blind husband, she's had many medics and even Tsunade and Sakura look at his eyes, but the Mangekyo destroyed them, but sometimes he drove her insane. Kiui thought about her son, Ryuu, she had asked Shikamaru to babysit him since Ryuu and Shikamaru's son, Shizen were almost inseparable. While Kiui was daydreaming she rammed into a cart full of fruit and knocked all the fresh fruit everywhere. She snapped out off it and apologized profusely and scrambled to pick up the bruised fruit but the cart owner just laughed at her flustered state.<p>

"Jeez Kiui, you're becoming as blind as your dear husband!" The owner joked lightly about Itachi and Kirin smiled as she knew the owner.

"Well it looks like I bruised most of your delicious fruit Jaaku," Kiui said sheepishly and smiled. Jaaku treated her well and accepted her choice to marry Itachi, even though it had it's ups and downs. Kiui helped Jaaku pick up his damaged fruit and she gave him 1800 Yen and continued to the Uchiha Estate, where Itachi and her had a large building and Sasuke got the building farthest away from theirs. Kiui slid the door open and heard Itachi up in their bedroom. She went up the stairs to find a quizzical sight.

Itachi had managed to tear the room apart looking for something that Kiui had no idea what it was and he even went through her make-up and some of it was on the floor, but most of it landed on his black ninja shirt, turning it an array of colors and Kiui just started silently shaking from suppressing laughter and anger. Kiui came up with a mischievous plan in her head and called out in a sing-song voice, "Itachi!"

Itachi froze in his tracks and he knew he was caught. Kiui slowly walked up to the former S-Ranked Criminal and put her hands on her hips while he started talking to the lamp next to her, "I'm sorry Kiui, I was just…"

"I'm over here, Weasel," Kiui teased lightly while turning his head to look at her. And Kiui was trying harder to keep in her laughter because this super bad-ass ninja was afraid of the daydreamer.

Kiui started pacing around the bedroom angrily ranting about their destroyed room, "Itachi, I can't believe you managed to destroy our perfectly fine room in the 15 minutes I walked around the Market! I mean my make-up! A third of it is on the bathroom floor and the rest is on your shirt! It makes you look like a clown! The clothes are everywhere and what the hell where you looking for?"

Itachi rubbed his neck nervously, knowing the wrath of his _Kanai _was not worth looking for his ninja gear, then he remembered where it was and slapped himself on the forehead. Kiui raised and eyebrow and snapped her fingers and Itachi turned his head to her once again like a dog. She giggled silently and said impatiently, "You never answered my question, Love."

"I was looking for… my….. Ninja gear?" He said the last word hesitantly and then Kiui collapsed on the ground and was attacked by hysteric fits of laughter. Itachi furrowed his brow and scowled at the game he knew she just played with him.

"Kami Itachi! I thought you would never catch on! Aw poor make-up… oh well it was cheap anyways! So lets clean up this mess!" Kiui stopped laughing at her _Shujin_ and told him that she could clean it up quick if he just sat on the bed like a good Weasel. Itachi scowled again, but agreed to her wishes and sat down.

Kiui went to work immediately and fixed everything back to the way it should be and gave Itachi his ninja gear, but she was afraid about him going alone, so she went with him since, as a Jounin, she came back and was on a break, but Kiui never let herself slack. "Hey Weasel-kun, I'm going to go with you so that you don't kill anyone and I'll let you train in peace."

Itachi agreed to these conditions and they went to a clearing in the forest with targets and practice dummies set up. Itachi knew the clearing better than his own house so he was fine and Kiui went to work on her Ninjutsu. While she was practicing her main element, Rock, she thought she heard a snap, but she ignored it for a squirrel or a rabbit and continued with her newly found moves. After they were satisfied they went home and Kiui realized that she had never actually _gotten_ food at the Market. She slapped herself repeatedly and told Itachi that she would be back in 20 minutes and not to try and cook anything. Kiui went to the Market fast, and focused and got the ingredients for her special soup and the items on the shopping list and went home. She set the ingredients on the small island and looked around, the house wasn't destroyed as far as she knew and Kiui was satisfied that Itachi listened to her. She put away the ingredients, but noticed that new things were missing in the pantry and fridge, like the cheese was gone and the peanut butter was gone….. Kiui thought nothing of it and went upstairs to find her best friend Kaminari Subaku. Kiui was ecstatic and squealed at her best friend. Kaminari turned her head and winced, "Come on Kiui! You know I hate squealing!"

Kaminari laughed at that and hugged her best friend, who she had missed dearly. Kaminari noted that Kiui had only changed a bit since she left. Her dirty blonde hair was in a bob style and the front reached her collar bone, Kiui had gotten taller, and she changed her regular Ninja outfit from black shorts, wrappings on her thighs and turquoise shirt, to a purple tank-top and the rest stayed the same. And Kiui analyzed her best friend looking for any obvious changes, and immediately she noted the kanji for love on her forehead, where Gaara's was and "Aw" at them and Kaminari blushed lightly. Her hair had gotten red tips in it and longer, her outfit had changed from all black to a red tank top, short sleeve fishnet, black shorts and fishnet with knee-high, black ninja boots, also she wore red fingerless gloves.

The girls were catching up when Kaminari noted that Ryuu wasn't here and her eyes widened. And then the craziness started and Kiui started running to Shikamaru's screaming that she forgot her child and Kaminari followed on the rooftops, laughing all the way. Ryuu was excited to see his Godmother and he hugged her, and she pretended to let him knock her over. She laughed and said, "Jeez Ryuu! You're getting strong, you were able to knock me over!"

Ryuu giggled and said, "Does that mean I can be a great ninja like you some day, Kaminari-san?"

Kaminari got up and ruffled his hair, which received another giggle from Ryuu and Kiui smiled. Kaminari placed her little _gaki _on her back and answered his question after telling Kiui to go on the rooftops with her. "Well little _gaki _first off, quit calling me Kaminari-san! It makes me sound old! Second, you're destined for great things."

Kiui made a sour face at the 'destiny' part and said, "Did you have to use that exact phrase? You know I hate everything about destiny and Neji!"

Fortunately for her, they were above Neji when she said that and he looked up and glared at Kiui with his pale eyes. Kaminari howled with laughter, stopped and called out jokingly, "Don't worry Neji! I still love you!"

Neji shook his head and continued with what he was previously doing, and Ryuu drilled Kaminari with questions that she was beginning to get a throbbing vein in her forehead. But fortunately for Kaminari they reached the Uchiha compound, they went inside and they all traveled up to Kiui and Itachi's bedroom, and Kiui sat on the bed facing away from the bathroom and Kaminari saw Itachi in the bathroom and didn't think anything of it… until he started putting random crap in the toilet. Kaminari got this puzzled look on her face and asked Kiui, "Hey Kiwi… you do know that your husband is putting stuff in the toilet, right?"

Kiui's mouth fell open and she stared at her husband and asked, "Itachi?"

Itachi making soup….. In the toilet, not something you see every day. Her eyes widened and Itachi said innocently, "_Konbanwa,_ Kiui-koi. I made soup for us!"

She stared horrified at him and clarified for herself slowly, "Itachi…. Made soup…. In the…."

"Yup, Kiwi. Your **dear** _Shujin_ made toilet soup. I have seen **lots** of weird crap, but this… is just plain whack-job." Kaminari clarified for her.

Ryuu poked his head around Kaminari and said, "_Otou _made toilet soup." And then he started laughing. Itachi tilted his head.

Suddenly, Kiui's brother Cullen walked in and he looked just like Kiui, with muscles. He looked at Itachi and said, "This Weasel can't even make soup correctly!"

Cullen turned to Kiui and demanded, "Why did you have to go and marry the Weasel with the damn fag lines!"

Kaminari giggled and said, "You're cute, too bad I'm married…"

Cullen looked at her weird and said, "Your brother is somewhere in the village, he said he wanted to talk to you. Oh and I'm going to tell Gaara."

Kaminari got a dark look on her face, with her hair hanging in front of her eyes, she glared at Cullen with one eye and said, "If you dare speak of it, I will make you eat Kiwi!"

He looked horrified and ran out of the room screaming, "NOOO I HATE KIWIS!"

Itachi wondered why Cullen had come and disappeared, and why Kaminari said he made toilet soup and it hit him….. So did Kiui's wrath, she was unfazed by Cullen's random appearance, "Itachi, how the hell do you manage to bring up stuff from the kitchen into the bedroom, and make toilet soup?"

Kaminari was shaking, trying to hold in her laughter at the entire situation, Itachi making toilet soup… Weasel with fag lines... Which by the way looked terrible, and Kiui getting pissed off, which is always somehow entertaining for Kaminari. Itachi winced at Kiui's tone and said, "Kiui, I didn't know I made soup in the… toilet?"

Kiui shook her head and started pacing the room, while Kaminari flushed the toilet and cleaned it of toilet soup. Kiui pointed her finger at her husband, "We need to talk."

Kaminari cleared her throat and glanced at Ryuu who had started to leave for his room, not even bothering to question his uncle's reasons for appearing and disappearing. Kiui sighed and looked at her pleadingly and clasped her hands together, "Kaminari? Can you **please** watch Ryuu while we talk?"

Kaminari shook her head and said, "Nope, not without some help."

Kiui sighed and told Kaminari to send 3 of her summons to send a message to each of these people, since hers were faster. Sasori of the Red Sand the Puppet Scorpion, Tobi… don't know his last name, the Gaki, and Deidara the Clay Boy. "Why these three?"

Kaminari had previous information on them and knew that if they came, hell would break loose… that or the Kyuubi. She sighed and summoned her fastest wolves, Reika, Kazuo, and Sumeria, told them the message and they were off in a heartbeat and not 20 minutes later they returned, each with a different person, with different personalities and Kiui suggested that we all move to the living room, since the bedroom was getting crowded.

Tobi… well Tobi was freaking out that a 'pretty puppy' had come to him, Kazuo, and tried to glomp Kazuo…let's just say Tobi didn't just randomly start running in circles crying, "Ah! Pretty puppy bit me! Bad pretty puppy!", for nothing. And Kaminari thought that she would probably end up smacking Tobi by the end of the day.

Sasori, he just kind of stood there, puppet and all. He looked around the house curiously and almost boredly, like he didn't want to be here. Sasori rose his eyebrow the slightest at Kaminari and she shook her head, silently telling him she would explain later. Reika was happy to bring him, since he didn't ask questions and wasn't hyperactive like Kazuo's human.

Sumeria brought Deidara, who wasn't even the slightest bit happy to be here, and she didn't like him. Deidara had complained the entire way about being dragged into babysitting by Itachi and his stupid wife and when Sumeria bit him, Deidara chased her all the way to Konoha and was still mumbling crap about blowing up Konoha and Sumeria.

Kaminari summarized how this was going to end in her head, and she smirked evilly, "Kiui, I guess we've got it from now on."

Kiui was hesitant now to leave, until Kaminari shoved both of them out the door. Kaminari dismissed the trio of wolves, Tobi raised his hand and asked, "What's babysitting, miss?"

* * *

><p><em>Italicized Words<em>

_Shujin- Husband_

_Konbanwa- Good Evening_

_Kanai- Wife_

_Otou- Father_

_Gaki- kid, brat…. Btw I use kid_

**_Yaaa I expect flamers now, it's for our entertainment and hopefully yours... hehe yaaaa -.-"' _**

**_R&R_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**The "Babysitters"**_

_**By: Dragon's Dance**_

_**Beta: dr53**_

_**If you guys keep flamers off of here, it would be appreciated… I mean it's not that screwed up. I read a story where Deidara got Sakura knocked up when she was 12.… really? THANK YOU!**_

_**Don't own Itachi or Gaara (I would've died and went to heaven if I did) I only own Kaminari, Kiui, and Ryuu and any wolf summons mentioned. Oh and I revised the end of the chapter to fit my plot better.**_

_Blah- White Zetsu_

**Blah- Black Zetsu** I sound racist

_Last Chapter_

_Kiui was hesitant now to leave, until Kaminari shoved both of them out the door. Kaminari dismissed the trio of wolves, Tobi raised his hand and asked, "What's babysitting, miss?"_

Kaminari raised an eyebrow then she remembered who she was talking to, "Tobi well…. Babystitting is…. Huh it's hard to explain! Well you'll see!"

She then called for Ryuu to come down and the sound of hurried feet reached their ears and a boy with blonde hair and charcoal eyes came down and he immediately asked, "Why is a pretty lady, a doll, and a lollipop babysitting me?"

Kaminari was laughing to her heart's content and ruffled Ryuu's hair and said, "_Okaa_ and _Otou_ had to talk about stuff, _gaki _don't worry about it! Oh and that 'pretty lady' is a dude, the 'lollipop'… well I agree with that, but it's a mask and 'the doll' he's a puppet."

Sasori looked neutral about being called a doll. Tobi started spazzing out yelling, "I'm not a Lollipop! Tobi is a boy!"

Deidara looked ready to kill when the 6 year old called him a "Pretty lady" and Ryuu got this weird look on his face and said, "He should cut his hair…"

After he had his moment Tobi had a thinking look on his face and a little light bulb went off over his head and he exclaimed, "Tobi knows what babysitting is! Tobi figured it out!"

Kaminari had a sweat drop on the back of her head and said, "Well Tobi… what's babysitting?"

Tobi had Ryuu sit on the couch, Kaminari thought it would end well… until Tobi sat on Ryuu. She got this shocked/pissed off look on her face and yelled, "What the hell Tobi? Get off of Ryuu!"

"Kaminari…. Why is there a lollipop sitting on me?" Ryuu asked with a scared tone.

Kaminari sighed when Tobi said that he wasn't a lollipop and said, "Ryuu I'm not sure myself…"

Tobi looked confused and he got off of Ryuu and Ryuu looked grossed out. Ryuu was mumbling something about the lollipop sitting on him and how he was fat. Kaminari would've laughed if Tobi hadn't reminded her why she was mad in the first place, "Tobi! Babysitting doesn't actually mean to SIT on the kid! It means to watch them and make sure they don't do stupid things! Kinda what we have to do with you!"

Tobi acted heartbroken and pleaded, "I'm sorry Kaminari-chan! Please forgive Tobi!"

Tobi had sparkles around his head and tried to act innocent, but Kaminari wasn't budging, "No Tobi… just go and do something productive…"

Tobi went off somewhere in the house, Deidara and Sasori sat down and stared at Kaminari and Ryuu. Finally Ryuu started to entertain himself with a toy kunai and Kaminari was making sand weave through her fingers and run up her arm to remind her of Gaara… she missed him a lot and while they did that, Deidara fell asleep and Sasori went to make sure Tobi didn't ruin anything. Ryuu looked at Deidara and asked, "Hey Kaminari? Can we give the Pretty Lady a Make-over?"

Kaminari thought about the consequences and then an evil grin spread across her face. Kaminari nodded, set up her handy camcorder and made the shush signal to Ryuu and went to Kiui's bedroom to find that all of her makeup was still on the ground… stupid Itachi. Kaminari sighed and dug through her Ninja pack until she found her makeup pouch. Kaminari pumped her fist in success and ran downstairs to find Ryuu bouncing on his toes, absolutely ecstatic to do something. Kaminari gave him a cherry red lipstick and pulled out the eye shadow and eyeliner. She got out the right tool and spread a forest green eye shadow over his eyes delicately and softly applied the eyeliner. Ryuu hadn't done a bad job on the lipstick, he only got some on Deidara's cheek. Kaminari pulled out the blush and spread a rose pink over his cheeks. They did some other procedures until Deidara looked like a full-blown model.

Kaminari was clutching her stomach trying not to burst out laughing and she whispered in Ryuu's ear to go onto the couch and pretend to be asleep. Ryuu quickly understood her plan and giggled. He did what he was told and Kaminari soon could hear the voices of Sasori and Tobi drifting through the open door. Kaminari laid down on the couch and picked up one of Ryuu's plastic kunai and threw it at Deidara's head just as Tobi came in saying, "Miss Kaminari! Ryuu-chan! We are back!"

Deidara jumped up and looked around wildly, Kaminari and Ryuu "woke" up and started laughing hysterically at Deidara's pretty face. Deidara scowled at the laughing pair on the floor and yelled, "WHAT, UN?"

Kaminari was rolling on the floor and tried to stop her fit of laughter, but it was inevitable, it was too good of a prank and Kaminari wouldn't get caught. She quieted her giggles down and said, "He he, maybe you should look in a mirror _Miss Deidara_."

"Miss…. WHAT, UN!" Deidara yelled as he ran into the bathroom and looked at his face horrified. He tenderly touched his blushed cheek and then he blew up.

"WHY DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GIRL, UN?" Deidara screamed at everyone as he came back into the room. Kaminari put on a innocent face and said it wasn't her or Ryuu because they were sleeping. Sasori said he was looking for Tobi. Tobi didn't know what to say and that wasn't smart.

"TOBI! WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, UN?" Deidara demanded

Poor Tobi had no idea what was going on and said, "Uh… I was having fun?"

Kaminari winced on the outside, but on the inside she was drinking soda wondering what would happen next. Deidara had his hair covering his face and the small part that they could see was very…. Uh demonic. Ryuu had already hidden behind Kaminari and Deidara said in a scary voice, "…Tobi…."

Tobi looked as scared as a guy with a mask on could and started sprinting away, arms waving madly screaming, "No! Mr. Deidara! Tobi's a good boy!"

Deidara still had that look and he continued, "…I…. will… blow… you… into… DUST! KATSU!"

Tobi was probably over 20 miles away from Konoha and still he got hurt. You could hear him screaming, "OUCH MR. DEIDARA!"

Kaminari sighed and sent Kazuo after him, and Kazuo complained that he always got the annoying one. Kaminari sighed and said, "Look Kazuo, I'm sending you because you're the strongest and I need you to carry him back, he's probably unconscious anyways, just look for a mushroom cloud."

Kazuo puffed up his chest at the complement and ran off as a red blur and came back with a smiling Tobi.

Kazuo was pissed and he said, "I thought he would be unconscious…."

Kaminari scratched her head and said, "I was sure he would, damn he can withstand a hit."

Deidara was still fuming, "Kuso, un! I didn't even damage him!"

Kaminari decided that they all needed to either play chess or sleep. Sasori decided to sleep, Tobi said he was tired and then collapsed in the middle of the rug, Deidara glared at Tobi and decided to play chess. After about 30 minutes, Deidara fell asleep again. Kaminari smirked and placed her move, "Checkmate."

Ryuu was bouncing off the walls screaming, "I want to play dress-up again!"

Kaminari laughed and said, "OK, you get Tobi and I'll get Sasori."

They formed a plan and agreed not to do the same thing on each of their 'canvases'. Kaminari went first and got the traditional white face paint and splattered that onto Sasori's face. Next she took sapphire blue eye shadow/paint and painted on a decent amount of the makeup. Then she painted his thin lips cherry red, drew eyeliner and a tiny amount of mascara and VOILA! You have a Chinese Doll version of Sasori of the Red Sand, designed by Kaminari Ookami. Ryuu giggled and went onto Tobi. First he put girly stickers on his face like stars, hearts, unicorns, fairies, etc… Then he colored Tobi's mask to be a rainbow eyesore. Next he painted a white line on his Akatsuki robe to make his head look like a Tobi lollipop. Finally he dyed whatever hair was visible pink.

Kaminari was snickering by the time Ryuu finished and rolled on the floor, thoroughly enjoying making fun of S-ranked criminals. A thought suddenly popped into her head, if they were S-ranked Shinobi, then why did they accept to help me babysit Ryuu, and why didn't they kill us yet? I don't think I drugged them…

Right then Ryuu piped up, "Kaminari-chan! That powder in your bag labeled 'Powerful Sleeping Powder' really works!"

Well that explains it… She thought. Then when Kaminari thought it was safe to relax, Zetsu the giant Flower came and Black Zetsu declared, "**We want to eat Ryuu**."

"_No I don't I want to leave,_" White Zetsu argued back.

"**Too bad! We are eating him!** " Black declared.

Kaminari got the most horrific look on her face that could put the Akatsuki to shame and said in a low voice, "Oh H** no!"

Let's just say Zetsu was lucky that Kaminari didn't have Vegetable Stir Fry for lunch. Kaminari assessed the damage with pride, the house was absolutely destroyed and just then Kiui came back from their looooooong talk without Itachi, which was odd, Kiui's jaw dropped to the floor at the state her house was in just from a few makeovers. Kiui growled at me, "You were supposed to make sure that my house WOULDN'T be in like this when I came back."

Kaminari waved her pointer finger in her face and said, "Nu uh! I was only here to watch Ryuu, Kiwi! Besides it was more fun for the house to be destroyed!"

Then Itachi came back with this random red-headed girl talking to her like she was Kiui. Kaminari put 2 and 2 together and started cackling like a mad man, Kiui was confused beyond all hope, until she turned around and screeched like a banshee. Kiui then scared the bananas out of the confused girl, slapped Itachi and had a **huge** tantrum, which was very entertaining for a certain crazy person who got this ALL ON TAPE!

Itachi looked so helplessly confused when he said, "Why is she mad?"

That really set Kiui off, "Why am I upset? Well you came home with some random slut, then you act like it was nothing, then my house gets destroyed by S-ranked criminals who are currently passed out and look ridiculous, then GRRRRRR!"

Kiui growled and woke Sasori up, yelling at him, "Come on Sasori! We are leaving!"

Sasori still looked high from the powder, but somehow remained passive as always… did I mention that a side-effect of that powder was the possibility of getting high? Oh well. They left for the woods to go to Kami knows where and Itachi was practically crying because his _beloved_ Kiwi left him. Suddenly he got a determined look on his face and he said to me, "We are going to find her."

Kaminari turned to him with a 'WTF face', "Eh huh, did you just say we?"

Itachi dragged Kaminari who in turn dragged Ryuu into the forest to find Kiwi…. Kaminari just wanted to get a BIG knife and cut up a certain Kiwi into little diced cubes so she could eat the Kiwi.

_**Ello! Um the only person probably reading this is my beta… idk if that even counts, anyways forget what I said earlier! Flamers can bathe in their flaming glory if they just review…. Pweeeease?**_

_**R&R**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Sasori of the Red Sand**_

_**By: Dragon's Dance**_

_**Beta: dr53**_

_**Still want review peeps…. Not kidding review or my fat cat Lynx will come and smother you with love… Please?**_

Before Itachi could drag her too far along, Kaminari stopped him and said, "Itachi, we can't just drag Ryuu with us… can we send him to anyone?"

Wow, I said something responsible…. I'm losing it, Kaminari thought. Itachi considered it for a minute before sighing and said, "His Godfather, Kisame. He'll watch after him."

Ryuu got excited at the mention of his Godfather and started bouncing up and down saying, "Yeah! I get to see Kisame!"

Kaminari rolled her eyes and summoned Kazuo once again, but this time he looked annoyed. Kaminari explained the situation to him and he huffed and grumbled out, "I better get a nice meaty steak when I am summoned again."

Giving him a hug, Kaminari laughed. Ryuu was sent off to his Godfather's house and Itachi resumed his game of dragging Kaminari through the woods in search of Kiui. Kaminari wouldn't stop grumbling about not needing to be treated like a child and that Weasel's should go extinct. Finally Kaminari had enough and ripped her arm from Itachi's grip and shouted, "I am not a child! I will be treated with respect and I will help you find Kiui if you don't touch me!"

Itachi glared at her with a wildly spinning Sharingan, that he activated as soon as Ryuu left, and yelled, "Fine!" Then turned around right into a tree. Kaminari tried holding back her laughter, but a few snorts escaped.

Itachi glared at the tree, stepped around the tree and then slammed right into another one. That time Kaminari couldn't help it, she burst into tears with laughter. Itachi's face was priceless, but he demanded that they continue and Kaminari obliged out of pure boredom. Eventually they found Kiui and Sasori walking slowly in plain sight, with Sasori looking normal, but acting a little high.

Kaminari giggled at the side effect of her drug and landed in front of Kiui, stopping her while Itachi remained hidden, glaring at Sasori having a conversation with his reflection in a nearby pond. "Come to bring me back Kaminari?" Kiui sighed.

"No I want you to explain yourself. I didn't quite get a good picture of why you left Itachi," Kaminari told her. Itachi was curious as well, but didn't give up his spot.

Kiui fidgeted with her hands and explained, "Well Itachi stormed off from me after our fight, I didn't want him to get hurt, so I followed him. I lost him in the Marketplace, so I came home and when he came in with that girl, I was so angry, I wasn't thinking."

Sasori finally seemed to sober and said, "So I listened to you sob your heart out about some slut? I thought your were sobbing about Itachi being a terrible husband…"

Itachi jumped out in front of Sasori and yelled, "That's it! Your dead!" And then he lunged for him and Sasori readied himself for the blow.

__Meanwhile__

Ryuu arrived at Kisame's house in record time and explained to Kisame why he was here. He received a strange look, but was welcomed inside. The house always smelled strongly of fish, which was the only thing Ryuu hated. Kisame turned to him and asked, "What'cha wanna do _gaki_?"

Ryuu stroked his invisible mustache and exclaimed, "I wanna play Poker!"

"Poker? What makes you think you'll beat me at Poker _gaki_?"

Ryuu smirked and claimed, "'Cause I beat Kaminari at Poker, and because if I can beat her, than there's no way I'll get beaten by a fish!"

Kisame's face turned an odd shade of purple and roared, "Your on!"

20 minutes later Ryuu held out a Royal Flush to Kisame's fish face and collected his heavy reward of candy. Kisame was ranting to himself how a 6 yr old could beat him a Poker, unless… "YOU CHEATED!"

"What? No I didn't? How can you cheat at Poker?"

"It's not that hard! Gimme' my candy back _gaki_!"

Ryuu grabbed Samehada and started chasing Kisame around the house screaming, "I'm no cheater!" over and over again.

R&R as always


	4. Chapter 4

_**The Battle Over A Fruit**_

_**Author: Dragon's Dance**_

_**Beta: dr53**_

_**Hello Hello! My beloved Beta has been bugging me about this, so I've made revisions and posted it to the world!**_

_**Oh and remember… the events in this story would never happen! And don't try to carry out any of the scenes in this story… You may just kill yourself~**_

_Back to Itachi and Sasori_

Kiui was horrified as her husband and Sasori started fighting brutally. She would wince every time Itachi was hit, but Kaminari sat there and cheered on the fight while eating popcorn and drinking soda.

Itachi was pushed back by one of Sasori's puppets, and he was starting to pant heavily. His fingers searched for a kunai and when he found it, he couldn't hear Sasori. So he started walking around the clearing, searching with his arms for something wooden. When his arms felt the texture of wood, Itachi started brutally slashing the thing until he believed it to be dead.

"I'm over here you dunce…" Sasori's monotone voice called out to him from the other side of the clearing. Oh lord Kaminari couldn't get enough of this! She was rolling on the grass laughing her ass off.

Itachi growled at Kaminari's annoying laugh and chewed out, "I knew that you damn toy; I was just practicing what I will do to you!" **(Tehe…. Ok moving on)**

Kaminari continued to watch the two criminals fight, both of them tiring out equally. As she munched on her popcorn, she felt a hand on her shoulder. She peeled her eyes away from the fight to see a man with chin length, coal black hair and blood red eyes; identical to hers.

She smirked and chuckled, "It's been a long time since I've seen you, hasn't it?"

He smirked right back, "Too long sis."

"Come join me Kameron." She patted the ground next to her and offered her popcorn, returning her attention to the fight. Kameron made himself comfortable and shoved a fistful of popcorn into his mouth.

The fight was really getting heated as Sasori continuously tried to poison Itachi; Kameron chewed on some more popcorn and said, "What's going on here?"

Kaminari rolled her eyes and explained the situation to him, "OK, so the guy with the long black hair, Itachi, is fighting the guy with the red hair, Sasori, all because of that girl over there," Kaminari pointed to where Kiui supposedly was.

Kameron glanced in the direction Kaminari pointed and saw nothing but a tree. He looked at her weird and said, "I really think that Suna sun got to you… There's only a tree over there sis."

"What?" She demanded and searched the clearing not believing her brother, but alas… the beloved Kiui was nowhere to be found.

"Humph, just leave me alone with S-Class criminals… why I outta-HEY!" Kaminari humped then cried out when she realized that she was out of popcorn.

_Meanwhile_

When Kaminari pulled out her popcorn, Kiui saw Hidan roaming the woods in a bored manner. Kiui decided to chase after Hidan and talk to him, since she was bored of the fight.

"Hey Hidan! Hey wait up!" Kiui cried out as she sprinted to catch up to him.

Hidan paused annoyed at the voice calling out to him. He turned around saying, "What the fu-OOOF!"

Kiui had trucked him unintentionally, and ended up laying on him in an awkward position. Kiui rubbed her head and groaned, "Ugh… I probably should've slowed down… I'm such a ditz."

"Yeah, and I'd appreciate it if you'd get the fuck off of me bitch." Hidan groaned underneath her. For a woman, she sure did have a lot of power.

"Oh I'm sorry Hidan-san! Here let me help you up!" She apologized and offered her hand after she had leapt to her feet.

"I don't need your help bitch, and why were you following me anyways?" Hidan demanded as he gathered himself.

Kiui scoffed and retorted, "For your information asshole, I actually wanted to learn about Jashin, but since you don't seem to like me; I'll just leave!"

She was about to storm off, but Hidan gripped her forearm to stop her, "Hold on! You want to learn about Jashin?"

"Yeah, I already said that… The religion seems intriguing, and I was actually considering becoming Jashin," Kiui trailed off and started to wonder into the depths of her thought, not even hearing Hidan excitedly talk to her.

"Fuck yeah I'll teach ya! Oh this is amazing Jashin-sama, you'll get another worshiper! Hey girl." Hidan brought Kiui back from her train of thought.

"Hmm, what?" Kiui asked.

"I need to know your name, girl." Hidan deadpanned.

"Oh yeah! Gomenasai! My name is Kiui, Hidan-san!" Kiui said respectfully and bowed at the waist.

Hidan waved off her apology and beckoned her to follow him saying, "Yeah yeah, whatever. And quit calling me Hidan-san, Hidan will do."

Kiui followed him and listened intently as he started a lecture about the devil she was preparing to worship for, Jashin.

_Back to Kaminari_

Kameron nudged Kaminari and said lowly, "I think it's time to stop this, they look ready to collapse."

Kaminari shrugged and nodded a bit, "Yeah I guess… I've been ready to stop since I ran out of popcorn."

Kameron shook his head as Kaminari disappeared into the trees and pulled out her senbon. She began to form a plan in her head, '_OK, so for Itachi I can throw two of my senbon in the pressure points in between his shoulder blades and paralyze his arms until I remove the senbon. I'm not sure about Sasori, but the same technique should work… Or I could do my favorite."_

Kaminari grinned wickedly and quietly packed her senbon away. She waited until they were lunging at each other to land in between them and squeeze the pressure point in between the neck and shoulder joints, bringing the men to their knees while they gripped her wrists.

"I'm tired of watching grown men fight like bratty children, plus I ran out of popcorn. And because you two were so engrossed in your fight, you failed to notice Kiui leave! And as fun as this is, I'm done with it! Now act your age and talk it out!" Kaminari lectured with a even voice, giving one last, painful pinch before she released them.

They fell on the ground gasping. Itachi recovered first and stood up, "I only want to know why you left with Kiui."

Sasori stood up and brushed the dirt off of his pants, "I was high Itachi; I don't even remember leaving the house with Kiui. She's the one that dragged me off."

"If you didn't leave with her willingly, then why did you fight me," Itachi asked.

"I was simply bored, you dunce," Sasori deadpanned.

Itachi glared at Sasori before he turned of Kaminari and demanded, "You're her best friend, now tell me why did she leave me?"

Kaminari crossed her arms and leaned on her right leg, "Well first off you made toilet soup, sec-"

"I didn't mean to make the damn soup!" Itachi exploded

"Don't interrupt me you damn weasel with fag lines!" Kaminari shouted back, shaking her fist.

Kaminari took a deep breath through her noise and sighed, "As I was saying, second of all you came home with some random ginger that sounded like Kiui…"

Itachi furrowed his brow and said slowly, "So, that wasn't Kiui?"

Kaminari raised an eyebrow, "Uh yeah! That's why you're in this mess… plus the soup."

Itachi rubbed his forehead, muttering profanities at the world. Sasori decided to leave as well as Kameron; leaving Kaminari with a distraught Itachi. Kaminari sighed and said, "Listen Weasel, I may not be the wisest woman alive, but I know that Kiui will come back in a day or two… Just give her some space and she'll work things out okay? That's what I do and it always works… Trust me."

Itachi shook his head and started to sulk back to his home with a emo rain cloud over his head. Kaminari would've felt bad, if he hadn't walked into another tree.

_And Now With Kiui_

Hidan and Kiui had really hit it off when she started asking questions about Jashin, becoming more and more intrigued by it. Hidan was enjoying himself when he talked to Kiui about Jashin and joked with her. Most girls were annoyed or insulted by his swearing, but Kiui just seemed to bounce it back to him. She wasn't bad.

Hidan smirked at Kiui and asked, "Do you want to get something to eat bitch?"

Kiui smirked right back and said mockingly, "Why I would asshole!"

They laughed again and walked to the nearest town to get some food.

~~~~~~~~~~~~_A MONTH LATER with Itachi~~~~~~~~~~~_

Kiui still hadn't returned and Itachi was slipping more and more into depression. He wouldn't come out of his dimly lit room and would hide under the covers if Kaminari or Ryuu came in to give him something. Kaminari had to request an extension to her time in Konoha because she feared for Ryuu.

Currently Kaminari was sitting Indian-style on the couch, her cheek rested in her hand as she recalled the day Itachi started falling apart.

_Flashback Mode_

_Itachi had ran off through the estate, with a frantic Kaminari following him, and he came to the house Sasuke lived in. Kaminari was peering quizzically at Itachi as he knocked on Sasuke's door. _

_When Sasuke answered it Itachi dramatically collapsed onto his knees and started bawling about Kiui leaving him, how he was devastated and needed his little brother's support now. Sasuke sweat dropped and exasperatedly looked down at his older brother, then to Kaminari._

_Kaminari rubbed her head sheepishly and said, "Eh heh, may I come in and explain why Itachi's bawling on your porch?"_

_Sasuke stepped aside to let her in and said, "You don't really have another choice."_

_And they left him to wallow in despair on Sasuke's porch while Kaminari explained briefly to Sasuke what happened over some coffee._

_Sasuke raised an eyebrow and said with disbelief, "So you expect me to believe that Kiui pretty much left Itachi over toilet soup?"_

_She sipped her coffee and shrugged, "Pretty much, yeah."_

"_Hn, about time that fruit head left him," Sasuke commented while he cleared away the dishes._

"_Hey! Only I can insult Kiui! Oh and thanks for the coffee Sasuke-chan!" Kaminari called over her shoulder as she collected the still weeping Itachi and took him home._

_Sasuke rubbed his temple and said to himself, "I really need an Aspirin…"_

_Present_

Kaminari sighed and rubbed her eye. She got up to prepare Itachi's lunch, when Ryuu barreled down the stairs and yelled that he was going to hang out with his friends. Kaminari lazily blinked and carried the tray up to Itachi.

Using her shoulder to open the door, she walked in and said softly, "Hey Itachi. I brought you your favorite!"

But the lump under the covers didn't even move as she placed the hot dish on the night stand. Kaminari sighed and sat on the edge of the bed and attempted to talk to him, "Yo Itachi… Do you want to talk about her?"

He didn't come out or even move when she asked that. Kaminari's eye twitched once and she sighed, "Listen Itachi, I can't stay here forever and take care of you; and you can't hide under those damn covers forever. But since you seem determined to rot away under there, I'll let you.

'Though there's one price to staying under there. I have to return to Suna in 2 days, and I refuse to let Ryuu be around this pathetic excuse of a shinobi. I conversed with Tsunade-sama and she agreed to send Ryuu to live with his Godfather unless you improve soon. You can come out now and tell me that I'm wrong and that you'll get better, or you can loose the only thing that connects you to Kiui."

Itachi didn't twitch once during the entire lecture. Kaminari got fed up and leapt to her feet, shouting at Itachi, "Fine then! Stay under there and rot away! If you aren't strong enough to move on from a damn fruit head, then I'm glad Kiui left you! I'm done Itachi, Sayonara!"

Kaminari stormed out of the house and left to tell Tsunade-sama that she was leaving early to take Ryuu to his Godfather. Tsunade-sama nodded and wished her a safe journey back to Suna. Kaminari bowed respectfully and left to gather Ryuu.

But Kaminari didn't know that Itachi had tears rolling down his cheeks the entire time she lectured him.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~Another month later with Kaminari in Suna~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

It was a Saturday morning, when the sun decided to be cruel and wake Kaminari from the blissful dream she was having. Stretching with a sigh, Kaminari snuck out of bed, so she wouldn't wake up Gaara from his precious sleep. She softly stroked his hair lovingly as he stirred in his sleep.

Kaminari put on her robe and silently walked to the kitchen to prepare the coffee they both drank in the morning. While it was brewing, she went into the dry air outside and got the mail.

Kaminari was walking to the island in the kitchen with the mail in her hand, when two arms trapped her to the island, and familiar rust red hair tickled her neck. She smiled when he asked her, "What were you doing koi?"

She turned around and put the mail in front of her mouth just as he was going to kiss her, "Getting the mail."

Gaara growled as she flitted around the kitchen, making their coffee and breakfast, but ended up picking up the mail and looking through it while he sat down at the island.

"There's one for you here koi. It's from Kiui," Gaara offhandedly said as she place their cups on the island. Kaminari's eyes widened dramatically as she accepted the letter from Gaara.

"What? It can't be, she disappeared 2 months ago!" she cried.

She tore open the letter and hurriedly scanned the very formal letter. Her eyes widened by the minute and by the end of it, her jaw was slack and she was in denial at what the letter said.

Gaara watched her reactions and questioned, "Well what does it say? Don't just stand there, you'll collect flies"

Kaminari snapped her mouth shut and shouted, "Kiui's getting married to that damn Jashin worshiper, Hidan!"

FIN

_**So how was it? Terrible? Amazing? Full of shit with the Hidan and Kiui part? TELL ME! Oh and if you don't believe me about the pressure point on the neck hurting like fuck, find it and squeeze it for about 30 seconds… It. Hurts.**_

_**Most definitely there will be a sequel barreling your way!**_


End file.
